To the irresponsible parent, from lessons of Determinism

You, as parents, had more than a decade to influence your child to love you. You had control of your child's formative years to shape who your child becomes in adulthood.

Now, when the child became an adult, that adult refuses to cherish you. And you blame that adult for being of less virtue than you wish of the child?

Yeah. Fuck you. I don't think so.

That thing called Tadhana

"Bakit di pa sabihin ang di mo maamin? Ipauubaya na lang ba to sa hangin?" kanta ng Up Dharma Down.

Napakasimple ng takbo ng istorya ng That Thing Called Tadhana, pero ang daming komplikadong emosyon. 

Unang eksena pa lang, alam kong magugustuhan ko na. 

Bakit? Kasi nagmumura si Angelica P.

Nagmumura siya ng pabulong kasi may bullshit na nangyayari. Wala siyang minumura, nagmumura lang siya. Hindi bastos kundi totoo. Nagmumura siya na parang ikaw at ako. 

O, sige. Kung hindi ka nagmumura, e di ako lang. Nagmumura siya na parang ako.

Tapos biglang ngumiti si JM, akala ko end credits na kasi parang nakumpleto na ng ngiti niya yung buong pelikula. Pero meron pa palang kasunod.

Yung tahimik na pagkayamot sa paghihintay ng bag ng iba. Nakita mo ba ang sarili mo don? Ikaw ba yung nagpapahintay o yung naghihintay?

Ang pagpili ng cab. Ang pagtambay kasama ng taong di mo masyadong kakilala dahil naaaliw ka at wala kang ibang gagawin. 

Yung unang pagmumura ni JM. 

Yung asaran tungkol sa pagiging burgis. 

Alam mo, sa dami ng tao na nagpapanggap na burgis, gusto kong balikan yung mga panahon nung college na hindi cool ang pagiging mayaman. Nakaka-miss kasi yung mga panahon noon na yung mga mayayaman yung nakikibagay at sumasama sa carinderia. Ngayon, haha. Hindi ka na college. At kahit yung college mo, hindi na rin katulad ng dati. 

Isang impromptu na byahe. Paborito natin yang mga ganyan. Pangarap natin yan. Yung, isang araw, wala sa plano, bigla ka lang sasakay ng bus papunta kung san mo gusto.

Yung pagbuhat ng sarili mong bag - ikaw, bilang babae - na walang tulong ng iba - ng walang tulong ng lalake - at kahit gano kabigat, masasabi mong kaya mo, kakayanin mo at makakaya mo. Na parang tulad ng pagle-let go. Na kahit mahirap, kahit mabagal, kaya mong gawin mag-isa ng walang tulong ng iba - ng walang tulong ng ibang lalake. 

Nung naiwan nila yung maleta, yon yon e. Ang gaan. Walang buhat, walang hassle. Kung pwede lang e. 

Tangina, di pa nga ako nakarating ng Sagada!

Burgis nga yung dalawa. Kayang gumasta ng pamasahe, pagkain, panahon. Burgis.

Naisip ko tuloy... Para sa burgis nga lang ba ang tadhana? Tangina kasi, busy ako e. 

Favorite ko yung sumisigaw si Mace sa taas ng bundok. Sa harap ng sea of clouds, sinigaw niyang ayaw niya na. Nakakaiyak yon. Naisip ko sana pwede nating isigaw ng ganon yung nasa loob nating lahat. Ang sarap non. 

Yung mga usapan nila, simple lang e. Pero pasok. Patusok. Tumatama. Medyo... masakit.

"Aren't we supposed to be great by this time?" Instant translate: Gano ka kabwakananginang bilib sa sarili mo at nasan ka ngayon?

"Pangit ba ko?" Instant translate: Ano bang wala sa akin?

Yung curiosity na kung ako kaya ang kausap ni Anthony, sasabihin niya din kaya na maganda ako? Yung thoughts na wala namang sense lahat ng nagsabing maganda ka, kasi hindi naman ikaw ang mahal nila ngayon.

Hugot film siya. Hindi lang dahil humuhugot yung characters pero dahil huhugot ka rin. 

Sabi ko, sa palagay ko, hindi to masyadong maa-appreciate ng mga masyadong masaya. Yung mga taong nakalimot na don sa sakit ng maiwan. Yung mga taong hindi na matandaan yung lungkot ng pag-iisa.

Ito, oo, para to sa mga gustong mag-move on. Pero hindi dahil pwede mong gayahin yung characters na magta-travel at mai-in love tapos makaka-move on ka na. Kasi... san mo naman hahanapin si JM?

Hindi naman lang to para sa pagmo-move on sa lovelife. Tingin ko para to sa pagmo-move on sa buhay. Yung mga tanong na, ano ba talagang gusto mo maging? Yung toast na, to the great people we will become. 

Dahil pag nire-examine mo yung buhay mo at hinanap yung sarili mo - yung totoong sarili mo - sa kung anumang paraan na angkop sa yo, don ka makaka-move on.

Kaya...

Cheers....!

"to the great people we will be."

*

Panoorin mo na =)

Blame It on the Wind

Let's talk about the wind.

How it stings,
And pains your eyes
And induces a flood of tears.

Let's talk about its strength
That surges to your core
And renders you weak.

How excruciating its pain,
As you feel a looming surrender
Of your weary spirit.

But you wipe your tears away,
Because you know it's not the wind.

It's the sun.

Let's talk about the sun...

Tearfully Grateful

Today is a day of tearful gratefulness.

The week has been trying. The workload is the same but people were unusually rude - over the phone, online and in person.

Or maybe, they've always been rude and I just wasn't paying enough attention to what I was feeling. And nobody else was. And this week, I was just really growing tired of it.

And then... yesterday.

Yesterday, before I slept, I cried and told Him that I'm tired. And that I'm weak. And that I'm getting hurt.

I asked Him to help me because my heart is in pain. And I can't laugh it off anymore. And I told Him that I need Him to protect me.

I woke up today and told Him that I trust Him. And whispered little prayers before my working day officially started.

The miracles started before my prayer ended.

There were no calls. No rude callers screaming their demands.

My coffee tasted best.

I was told not to man the phones and check the mails instead. I was off the phones for more than half my shift and needed to speak with only a few clients - who were, by the way, quite pleasant.

My heart was calm.

I was corrected rather pleasantly by a new friend on one case that I overlooked and was teased by my seatmate, Well, isn't that embarassing? (Napahiya ka no?) And I answered, We don't bank on shaming each other. (Hindi kami ganon.)

And I realized that that was true. It's one of the most dear blessings of the day, a new friendship that started with each person's a casual kindness towards a stranger.

I smiled.

The working day was a breeze.

I met with an old friend for breakfast and was greeted with a surprise Christmas gift. And we exchanged stories.

My tea smelled perfect.

Now, I know I may get hurt in different ways and times yet again but it's such comfort to know that I will always have friends and blessings.

And I am tearfully grateful because, although some bad things won't change, neither will my God.

Attending A Wedding Alone

Today, I attended the wedding of my office friend, Betchai and her groom, Lui.

Weeks before the wedding, I was almost sure I'll be attending alone. It's a spider sense thing - one I acquired from being a fan of Spiderman.

I committed to coming, without looking left nor right as to who's coming with me. And there I was.

How do you go to a friend's wedding on your own? I have no car even! - And had no idea how to get to the venue until the day of the event itself.

But I have already committed and I honor my commitment. Plus, I really want to attend a wedding. I'm not really sure why but it's just one of the things I want to watch.

So, it's a green light for me - alone or not.

I was planning on attending the wedding ceremony and leaving before the reception. I was, fortunately, able to convince a couple of office friends to come after office shift to represent the office friends who could not make it. So, I was covered for the reception.

But I didn't want to miss the ceremony, so I decided to push through with coming to the church alone.

I took a bus to a common jump off point. Then, I took a cab and, with the help of trusty google maps, got to the venue right before Betchai walked down the aisle.

The church was beautiful. Simple and easy on the eyes. Divine white. Tinted glass windows. Huge wooden doors.

The church doors were closed as we waited for the bride. And then, it was opened. Light flooded the aisle of the church. And there she was. All dressed in white. Swimming in the sunshine. It was a splendid sight.

It was a Catholic ceremony. First, the mass, the responsorial psalms, the homily... Then the I do's, then the vows, then the ring, the pronouncement as man and wife, then the sponsors - cord, coin, etc, then the "You may kiss the bride." and then the shower of petals as the bride and groom exits the church.

I was pretty much content, alone and hiding behind my cellphone camera - the trusty Samsung Galaxy Note 2, which I must say takes quite good snapshots.

For the after wedding photo ops, I confined myself to editing the photos so I missed it when they were looking for 'friends of the bride.' Honestly, if I heard it, I would've been absolutely shy and won't be able to make it to a post at the altar for the photo.

And then, it was done.

I was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I'm happy to say I survived it. Now, attending a church wedding is just among the list of things I can do alone.

Maybe the next wedding I go to, I can improve on social skills and score a few friends, and maybe get the guts to join the photo ops. But for now, I'm quite pleased with how this went.

The wedding was absolutely charming and I'm glad I went even if I had to go alone.

Cab Cafe - Kapitolyo

I wondered why it was called Cab Cafe. Back in my tour lead days, I was introduced to the concept of the drivers' lounge - where the drivers eat and where complimentary food flows.

Walking down the road from Shaw along Kapitolyo, Cab Cafe comes right next to the carwashes. But nope, no cabs in sight.

You wouldn't miss it. Couches, coffee tables, wood and steel chairs. It looked so homey from afar, I wanted to drop my backpack in the middle of the road and run inside inside like I've come home from a trip to oblivion.

The interior was espresso-colored; less Starbucks, more Coffee Bean. The wood and steel chairs of the olden days makes it feel a lot more pinoy, a lot more comfy.

My eyes were so busy eyeing the cakes on display, I wasn't able to take photos. You should see it yourself though. Moist muffins, meat/tuna/chicken pies, sinful chocolate cakes and, my chosen temptation, pistachio cake.

Jaja, my travel/food/photo buddy, chose the choco pistachio cake and we both got a tuna pie each.

The pistachio cake ranked higher than the choco pistachio cake. The choco pistachio was quite too chocolatey and sweet for a whole slice. A testament that some good things are better without chocolate.

The tuna pie was great - for some reason, it made me think of recess time back in elementary. You know that feeling of excitement over your packed snack? The tuna pie will give you that.

It was quite hot and humid but we stayed outside because I wanted to smoke. Temperature was quite bearable amidst the heat because of the space - they have an industrial fan outside and with that turned on, I'm sure the heat will be quite unnoticeable.

The staff was friendly too. Jaja was chatting her up about the store being from Bacolod and she replied with the confidence that I would like to see in more store attendants.

You know how most attendants are timid and shy away from questions or give really short responses? The staff here is different - or well, at least, the girl manning the counter is. She spoke about the restaurant and of her hometown in a friendly tone with confidence and pride.

She mentioned that all of them are from Bacolod and the restaurant is known as Bob's. Jaja said they're famous for their ribs. (I couldn't remember shit and got so amazed.)

It was so hot outside but dining at Cab Cafe was definite pleasure.

I still don't understand why it's called Cab Cafe but I'm sure to be back for the sinful chocolate cake and, hopefully - if time permits, a cup of coffee, and then maybe I'll ask why it was named that way.

Addressing crassness.

There is this person I am utterly irritated with that I cannot contain it.

You know how people say, there's a good and a bad side to a person? Well this person, I see different angles of her bad side everyday.

She is crass and mindless. She is tactless and has no regard for the sensitivities of others. She talks all the time and loudly, but says nothing positive. She thinks the worst of people and says it out loud as if with a yearning to influence. She does not apologize for her mistakes but blames those around her. She bullies those who she feels are weak. She takes pride in a power she feels she has - but doesn't. 

I go head to head with her at times as if to appeal to be a little more considerate of others. But I know I'm not getting through. 

A friend told me not to mind her. But how could I not? I have never been in the company of a person so crass.

I notice now that she is somehow aloof with me. Maybe because I do not put up with her attitude. Or maybe because my attitude contends with the strength of hers. 

All I know is that she makes an effort not to sit beside me.

And, yes. I am thankful for the space. Because as much as I would like to be approachable to all, I think this distance will be best for me.

This hatred I have for this person has bothered me for days but it has dawned on me that I have the responsibility to be the bigger person here.

I must remember that I'm not used to people like her because I was lucky to have great people surround me. While she probably has not.

I must remember that I am gifted enough to understand psychology, accountability, tact, responsibility and maturity.

And I want to look at her differently today and for the days to come. 

I will need to back off in appealing and pushing my perpective - no matter how destructive I feel her perspective to be.

Instead of getting frustrated with her over her insensitivity, I must think about how much pain she must have endured in the past that made her become this insensitive. And also, how much pain she will need to endure in the future because of how she is today.

I do not know how I can be of better influence this way but going head to head with her is not helping either of us as well. 

I think I'm better off cheering up the people who she steps on in her destructive way.

Reading This is a Crazy Planets

Ang unang comment ko sa librong ito: WAAAAAHHHHH!!

And, unfortunately, in a negative way. Sumasakit ang puso ko sa ka-negahan ng librong ito.

Gusto ko si Lourd de Veyra at natutuwa ako sa WOTL pero itong librong 'to, ansakit talaga sa dibdib.

Naka-limang essay pa lang yata ako pero I have read so much hate. Galit siya sa nagse-selfie, nagpi-picture ng pagkain, sa nagagalit kay Dan Brown sa pagtawag sa Maynila bilang "gates of hell," sa nagbabasa ng Dan Brown books, sa mga writer na hindi nagbabasa, sa nag-o-OOTD at iba pa.

Pwedeng dala ng passion, pero confused ako kasi parang galit siya sa mga taong may opinyon, sa mga taong bad vibes at sa mga taong good vibes. In short, parang galit siya sa lahat ng tao. Ops. Mali. Except sa mga credible sources na  pareho ang opinyon sa kanya. Sa mga tinuturing niyang intellectual giants na pareho ang opinyon sa kanya. Pero kung intellectual giant na iba ng opinyon, galit din siya.

Masarap basahin yung libro in the sense na marami kang makukuhang info tungkol sa kung anu-ano pang pwede mong pag-aralan sa mundo - which is why ito yung nilagay ko sa wishlist ko sa exchange gift last year.

Mapagmumulan to ng ibang pagkakaabalahan na iba sa nakalagay sa facebook ko. Yung mga terms na di mo gets, mga nababanggit na tao, movies, songs, at libro at mga history ng mga yon. Alam naman natin na boring din naman talaga kung puro kung ano lang ang nasa newsfeed mo yung alam mo.

Pero, as full of info as it is, medyo hindi ako komportable sa angas nung writing. Na parang intellectual elitism yung dating. "I am the smartest and you are all idiots." yung boses ng pagkakasulat.

Alam ko namang matalino si Lourd pero hindi naman bobo lahat ng ibang manunulat na nabasa ko.

Haay. Di ko kaya basahin ng tuloy-tuloy. Nagsulat na ko kasi napabigat talaga nito yung loob ko. Sobrang nega. Balikan ko na lang siguro after a few weeks. Mag-Kikomachine na muna ako.